Quotes from CSI - Miami
Apart from the cliche-ish OS they use, and the database searches which always seem to come up with a "99.32% match", what bad could you say about our little CSI-themed action soap?
Reply not, for that's not the topic of the thread... in fact, it is about the good parts of the show. For me, it's the quotes, and the good part is you can read them on wikiquote, so you'll sacrifice less than 2 minutes per episode.
I'll provide my personal biased Top-30, each with a little heading I made up (they don't match the episode titles, so I'll provide Season/Episode too). Here it goes...
#30 - Good Cop, Bad Actor (S5E17)
Anna: You really do believe all that protect and serve stuff, don't you?
Horatio: It's the only thing...the only thing that I know how to do.
#29 - File Extension, Screw Driver, Kill Switch (S4E20)
Mr. Suero: My structural engineer says if I file for an extension now, I won't be cutting ribbon in eleven months.
Tripp: Hm, I'm crying inside, Mr. Suero.
#28 - Too much traffic for 200? (S4E18)
Eric: You got an excuse for going 150 miles per hour?
Hayden Cruise: Too much caffeine?
#27 - PAWNED! (S4E17)
Calleigh: Pawn-shop guy said he wiped it down before he planned to move it. You know, no one wants to buy a dirty gun.
Eric: Well, there's pawn-shop clean and then there's CSI-clean.
#26 - Honest (S4E14)
Norman: I'm a movie producer. I glorify violence, I don't engage in it.
#25 - Shut-the-uck-fup (S2E22)
(Speed and Eric are collecting the crowd's cell phones.)
Crowd Girl: Don't you need a warrant or something?
Speed: Yeah, if you want it locked in evidence for 3 years.
Eric: Or you can just give it to us for 3 hours, your choice.
(The girls hands over her phone.)
Crowd Girl: OK, but what am I supposed to do for 3 hours?
Speed: I don't know, stop talking?
#24 Dying to get there in time (S3E21)
Eric: This guy, he took the expressway--16 stories down.
In the next one, we have an unusual encounter.
In the red corner, "Bullet Girl."
And in the blue corner, "Corpse Bride."
#23 - BITE! (S1E11)
Calleigh: Leech saliva...
Alexx: Medical marvel, you know. It contains enzymes that expand your blood vessels.
Calleigh: Kind of like Viagra...
Alexx: Well, not quite. Unlike Viagra, it contains a mild anesthetic so you don't feel the bite...
#22 - You're Owned (S1E9)
Sniper: Don't you wanna know why?
Horatio: You just killed four innocent people. You're evil. You enjoy death. I hope you enjoy your own.
#21 - paTROLLED! (S2E15)
Horatio: What else did you take?
Patrol Officer: I took a hat, but that's it.
Horatio: I need that hat.
[The patrol officer hands Horatio the hat, it has some blood stains.]
Patrol Officer: Hey, it's just a hat.
Horatio: And that's why you're just a patrol cop.
#20 - An heroin (S2E19)
Speed: These mints were curiously strong, they have the same chemical makeup as the residues from the baggies at the scene... opioid analgesic.
Horatio: Painkillers? What about a brand?
Speed: Oxycodin, it's hillbilly heroin.
#19 - Dead and Gassy (S3E4)
Yelina: I ran those credit cards, looks like Madonna Arias charged $500 dollars worth of gas since yesterday.
Horatio: Thatís an interesting ability for a dead woman.
#18 - [s]Sex[/s] Lies and Videotape (S2E21)
(Eric is going over a "peeping Tom's" videos.)
Calleigh: Reality TV, can I watch?
Eric: Yeah, have a seat.
Calleigh: Tell me when I have to look away.
Eric: That's the thing, you never have to.
Calleigh: What are you telling me?
Eric: That Jeff Lathan should probably see a doctor about the little blue pill.
Calleigh: Oh! That explains why he didn't want us to watch the tape.
#17 - What the Duck (S5E17)
Calleigh: It's a feather!
Eric: Yeah, it's a feather, from a duck.
Calleigh: Wait a minute. You're saying that first of all there was a killer bear and now there's a killer duck?
#16 - Cut the Buckshot already (S4E18)
Ryan: H, I donít know what happened.
Horatio: Mr. Wolfe, you didnít have the shot.
Ryan: I just froze.
Horatio: Mr. Wolfe, you didnít have the shot, do you understand?
Ryan: Yes, sir.
#15 - Deadly (S1E7)
Eric: So we have a murder weapon and a suspect. What have you got?
Speed: [Holding up a pair of large purple panties.] I have a murder weapon of a different sort.
The following two feature Ryan, a character who was literally 'nailed' after narrowly escaping it several times.
#14 - NA1l'D! (S4E8)
Calleigh: Broken fruit bowl. Looks like there was a fight.
Ryan: Or it could be sex. Haven't you ever pushed aside the dinner plates to get some?
Calleigh: Could you focus on the task at hand, please?
#13 - Nail'd again (S4E13)
Ryan: [On looking like Jake Gyllenhaal.] It's in the eyes. I get it all the time.
Eric: [laughing] You get it in the eyes all the time?
#12 - TMI (S1E13)
Old Guy (Mr. Reins): Betty and I had a very healthy sexual relationship. She was not afraid to try new things.
Calleigh: ...Back to the question, Mr. Reins.
#11 - TMI: Resurrection (S2E21)
Speed: You need some help?
Alexx: Nah. I could undress a dead man in my sleep.
Speed: Leaving that one alone.
#10 - Top Ten (S1E2)
Calleigh: He was probably taken unawares during Letterman.
Speed: Top ten ways to get your head blown off!
#9 - Screwed (S1E18)
Eric: The car is stolen.
Calleigh: Based on?
Eric: Based on the screwdriver in the ignition.
#8 - One girl, six cups (S1E18)
Horatio: How do you feel?
Calleigh: Like a hummingbird on six cups of coffee.
#7 - Boy meets girl (S1E1)
NTSB guy: Oh, I've heard of you, you're the, uh, Bullet Girl, right?
Calleigh: And what does that make you, Airplane Boy?
And a nice follow-up...
#6 - Home of the 3-foot-long (S1E9)
Horatio: So what do you get when a six-foot-tall man lays down with a three-foot-long rifle?
Calleigh: Hot flashes... but that's just me.
#5 - "Nope, are you?" (S1E18)
Calleigh: So, you gonna shave before you go to IAB?
Speedle: It's a polygraph test, not a portrait.
And ranking 4th, YET another Calleigh scene. Why the omg did I rate that one the highest?
#4 - Staple excuse (S2E4)
(Calleigh and Speed are watching a "hot" video tape, strictly for business purposes.)
Speed: Well, that's different.
Calleigh: Someone's been doing yoga.
Co-worker: You guys have a stapler?
Calleigh: No, but you are the third one to ask in the last 10 minutes. Do you want us to burn you a copy?
#3 - Just say YEAH!
(S1E18) Reporter Enrique Rayas: You're the investigator in the dispo case that resulted in two tragic deaths. You mind if I ask you a few questions for our viewers?
#2 - What a Ness
(S1E18) Tripp: Saw your friend out front. Guy thinks he's Tom Brokaw.
Horatio: If he's Tom Brokaw, I'm Elliot Ness.
Disclaimer: The next one is not really the "best" quote of the show. But it does showcase the script writers skills. Read at your own risk -- I take NO responsibility for brain damage. Highlight the line to read it, or copy and paste.
#1 - LOLWUTF???(S1E2)
Horatio: There are no other crime scenes in Miami today